When a first date turns political

dating in Shanghai: what to (or not) say

Out on Shanghai’s (raining) streets today, you can sense a mix of feelings. There’s this sweetness for those in love, anxiety for the second-guessing, or indifference, perhaps even disdain, for those who are unbothered, picking up groceries and heading to the gym as usual. By all means, however, Feb 14 arrives as one day of the year that is particularly good for people-watching.

Sensing the mood for love in the misty air, I was reminded of one speed-dating night in late November.

It started with one WeChat poster:

“Strictly female:male ratio 1:1. Registration will close when enrollment hits 40. One ticket includes one drink. For both Chinese & English speakers.”

I was about to scroll past it. A singles mixer sounded lame. It came across as lonely as it felt, and it could also mean that you were irrelevant, sad, and desperate.

That would’ve been true — if I had better things to do on that Saturday evening. I just didn’t. I was newly back in Shanghai: bored, laying low and unbusy.

So in the next second I registered and paid 168 RMB. Not too bad, considering it was in Shanghai and the one cocktail included, along with the chance of meeting someone fun out of the 15-some speed dates promised. Little did I know, however, there wasn’t much of a connection with anyone. Yet I was made to talk about — of all things — politics on first dates.

What happened? I didn’t want to be mean but here’s everything.

Mr. A was the most memorable character. He started the conversation by bluntly bringing up this “study buddy” program. It took me a while to realize he was referring to an exchange student initiative launched by one university in the province of Shandong a few years ago. The program paired three domestic students with one international student to help with language and cultural activities. Such programs are fairly common, but that particular one sparked controversy on Chinese social media, with some accusing it of giving preferential treatment to foreign students.

“This ‘study buddy’ project…” he began, without providing any context, “was like a brothel.” Mr. A said it loudly, probably to shame the female participants of the program.

Wait, was I on a date or on Weibo? Why did he tell me that, or did he tell everyone about it? All I had asked was how he had been doing. “I haven’t been sleeping well because I can’t stop checking social media before bed.”

That was… heavy.

And it kept coming.

Mr. B had just one question to ask — “So, what’s your view on the Russia-Ukraine war?” …hmmmm?

I acted impatiently this time. I changed the topic and asked him about being in Shanghai. That didn’t end well either. He went on complaining about how Shanghainese people were too pro-America and he preferred Beijing in that regard. I let out an audible choke. Later he wanted to talk about Donald Trump and his book “The Art of the Deal”.

This was quite an extensive agenda.

I forgot whether I had told him I was in journalism, but even then, it was quite a self-absorbed thing to take over a chat with emotionally-charged political opinions, unsolicited. A question about the Russia-Ukraine war is different from a question about, for example, how AI has shaped writing. It brought to mind taxi drivers, remote relatives, and neighbors who were never shy about making remarks on politics, especially international news, even when you showed no interest in responding.

Some other details from the night, in case anyone cares:

• A guy stared at his phone the entire time, despite my attempts to strike up a conversation. Too busy of a man.

• A few guys were in the new energy car industry. One spent the whole session talking about different versions of car door handles. That was at least useful to know.

• Another guy kept rambling on how he couldn’t forget about his ex. Yes?

Looking back at previous encounters, I’ve realized that in the urban dating scene in China, presenting political beliefs in a one-sided way was quite common. Some PEOPLE (guess who) probably decided that it would make them appear smarter somehow. But is it one thing to screen dates through thoughtful discussions about values or engage in genuine exchanges, and another to speak just for show?

Of course, “politics” here refers to more like geopolitics, comparative politics, local news, and non-sensitive domestic policies. Within that, it could be of any topic. Unlike in America, where the debate on policy usually centers around a few big themes such as immigration, climate change, and reproductive rights, public discussions in China seem to be more loosely structured.

The bar was cool, though — an extended vintage Italian furniture showroom above its main space on the first floor. Ladies were all nicely dressed, and perhaps weren’t as eager to chat about headlines.

Happy Valentine’s Day. Have fun talking to your date if that’s the plan.